Why a sex doll’s chest hair is important.

You frequently hear people say that you learn something new everyday. What these people fail to mention is that the “something new” you learn is not always useful.

Last night I learned about sex dolls, and I’ll think it a good sign if that knowledge turns out not to be useful.

My night started out with a few friends at a rooftop film (rooftopfilms.com) near Soho.  The hipster concentration at the film, which perhaps unsurprisingly took place on the 5th story roof of a high school, was pleasantly diluted by a good mix of different people.  There were ironic mustaches, but less than one might expect.

Rooftop Films

The film, “The Lovers of Hate”, is billed as a “dark romantic comedy” about two brothers and one lover.  The elder brother is a poisonously manipulative schmo  in the midst of an intense, guilt-trippy divorce.  The younger brother is a single and cloying author of a successful knock -off Harry Potter series.  In a plot development that fortunately did not shed any light on my own relationship with my brother, the younger sibling  seduces his elder brother’s woman, and takes her back to a beautiful and secluded house so that they may relate, fornicate, and take raunchy photos on their webcam (including a rather erotic use of the shoulder).

Unfortunately for the lovers, the elder brother has snuck into the house, and most of the film takes places as he plays poltergeist, stealing key ingredients out of the grocery bags, living the toilet unflushed, and otherwise making life miserable.

The film does a wonderful job walking the line between funny and something more darkly dangerous, carefully mapping out the various flaws of the characters, and how their individual narcissism really makes each of them differently incapable of seeing and compensating for their flaws, or even having compassion for the other two people in this love triangle.  The film offers no happy ending.  Really recommend it.

After the film, we invited someone who had been watching the film alone to come join us at a bar, and unfortunately lost another friend to the cold justice of underage/overage drinking laws.

The second bar we went to was a German bar that featured-among other things-a very pale blond man in a white linen suit who danced with only his head like some arrhythmic peacock, and a bachelorette party, complete with a male sex doll.

The sex doll was wearing heavy make-up, and had no visible protrusions or appendages, which to my mind, is really the most important part of a sex doll.  Unless of course this wasn’t a sex doll, but an inflatable platonic relationship doll.

The one visible gender-identifying characteristic was a thick thatch of black chest hair on his flat, vinyl torso.   And that is why chest hair is so important on a sex doll, to know the gender.

Having finally ascertained the doll’s gender, we did the logical thing, and briefly danced with Wayne, the eunuch doll.  Upon realizing that there was no way we could top that moment for the night, pulled out our bucket lists, check off the “dance in public with inflatable doll” box, and promptly left.

Immediately after this photo, a friend pulled the bride-to-be away as if I was the weird one.

It is what I like about NYC.  The fact that you will probably never see people on any given night again is emboldening.  Both inviting out the person from the film to hang with us, and dancing with a stranger’s inflatable doll were done in part because of the recognition that I could either take advantage of a moment or let it pass, either way, it was only going to be on the table that one time, and hey, if it weirded some people out, well, at least they have a story.


About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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2 Responses to Why a sex doll’s chest hair is important.

  1. Jacob says:

    Illuminating. Close photographic analysis shows that the phallus region of the doll has been replaced with caution tape suggesting the presence of “Wild Girls.”

    Cross that with this article on Lady Gaga and the Philosophy of Feminism and suddenly things start to make sense.


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