My first call girl

It is amazing how much a doorman learns about his tenenats.  A few weeks in, and I know if you are a morning or a night person (how easy!).  I know if you are nice to your dog, where you shop, if you are married, single, playing the field.  I know when you have one night stands-including one gloriously hedonistic night when there were four, and I got to watch the walks of shame, judge of all casual debauchery from my height-adjustable office chair on high.  So when you choose to treat your self to a high-class escort service, I know.

Rod is not a talker as much as a grunter, and so I was surprised when he took the time to interrupt my chat with another tenant and gruffly report that he was to have a visitor in about an hour.  He did not wait for a response, and disappeared upstairs, presumably to punch pillows or slam doors for being too soft or in his way.

As the tenant I had been talking with walked out the door, she whispered something knowingly, but I failed to catch it (I have never been smooth when it comes to whispers).

Two hours later, the “visitor” arrives,  a tall woman with more angles than curves.  Nervous, she mumbled the name of her ingracious host, and although she knew where the apartment was, did not know the number.

I smiled slightly, as I’ve not been working long enough to match names to apartment numbers, and looking it up can prove tricky.  My nervous smile must have seemed a knowing one, for she inquired defensively as what so amused me.  I jabbered a quick plea of ignorance.

“I can always smell when something is up,” she warned.

Luckily, she was late, and therefore too distracted by Rod’s looming anger to bother with me. I called up. A gruff hello.  Susan is here to see you.  He hung up immediately at the mention of the poor girl’s name.  I sent her up, guessing nervously at the non-answer.

Strangely, it was only 7 o’clock, but hey, we all have our appetites, and given that an hour later Chinese food arrived for them, theirs must particularly voracious and impatient.

I could sense something off in the interaction that I so poorly mediated, something cold with harsh expectations that suggested an employee-employer relationship.  I did not know anything yet, but when the other tenant returned, she told me what she had whispered earlier: “Dollars to doughnuts it was a woman.”

I later corroborated this theory with the night guy, figuring that as a doorman of the night, he has likely opened doors for a wide variety of women of the night.

“Whores, whores,” he gravely intoned in his South American accent, the ‘h’ sound rubbing coarsely in the back of his throat.  Case (or door?) closed

So ladies and gents, tricks and johns, I have had my first run-in with a working girl.  I did not look down on her or see her as a source of mockery, but rather a source of curiosity, for as old as the profession is, I know little about it.  I was more curious about the nasty tenant with his taste for conveniently delivered sex and chinese food.

And I may have failed this first test, accidentally hinting at more knowledge than is appropriate.  As observant as we doormen are, for those tenants who are touchy, we are to be drooling door monkeys, as likely to try and eat our tie as to wear it, our knowledge limited only to doors and package signing, invoking the all-powerful name of the super like some neanderthal god should anything more complicated arrise.

But know this: the dumber we look, the more we know (and I say that vaingloriously).


About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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2 Responses to My first call girl

  1. Favorite line so far:

    “presumably to punch pillows or slam doors for being too soft or in his way.”

  2. Minsoo C Lee says:

    The funny thing is, I actually had to stop filming my sex tape in high school because my sesame chicken from gold key got delivered. I am completely serious about this.

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