To the Women it May Concern:
My interest in applying to be your trophy husband is informed by a personal passion for a luxurious lifestyle, your reputation as a wealthy individual, and my biological impulses towards reproduction.
While admittedly I am lacking in a personal estate of my own, and am inexperienced as a rich person, I feel that my background well qualifies me to be your testosterone-flavored arm candy.
My dating life has provided me with significant expertise in a couple of specialized areas. Owing to the fact that eating out at restaurants is rather expensive, and it is considered rude to buy one meal and either a) watch your date eat it or b) have your date watch you eat it, I have become quite an excellent cook. My dishes include burritos, salsa, and the famed Italian delicacy pasta sola, all of which have been consumed by women with apparent gusto.
Furthermore, starting at the age of 17 I have kissed almost three women. I have deepened this extensive experience by spending many hours examining people kissing, either through films or by watching them closely in public parks. I even kissed a guy once (see references), which I believe gives me a unique perspective on this particular oral delight.
My academic career makes me ideal for dinner parties that I would expect would be a vital part of my job as kept man. My success as a scholar of conversational French means that I can correctly pronounce a number of different wines like “pinot noir” and “franzia”, know French phrases like “déjà vu” and can say things like “as the French would say:” with believable authority, even when the French have never—nor would they ever—say the attached clause.
My English degree means that I can quote poetry effectively, and have opinions about things that I know nothing about, making me quite adept at other sorts of social events and soirées, as the French would say. Additionally, I have a reputation in academia as one quite talented with the double entendre, cleverly turning phrases such as: “We should ‘study’ together”,’ ”when are your office hours? I will come whenever you like me to,” and “no, I have never been caught ‘cheating’”
I too, would benefit from our relationship. I hope to gain an understanding of wines that come in bottles instead of boxes, improve upon my tie collection, and gain experience in the realm of wealthy hobbies such as golf, vacationing, and late morning alcohol consumption. I should like to learn how to subtly hint at the rich things that I do, and how to eloquently pity—and complain about—the intrinsic laziness of poor people.
Overall, I believe my extensive romantic and culinary experience mean that I will be able to provide a welcoming home for you, and my academic career assures that there is little chance of me getting another job that would distract from being your houseboy.
I very much appreciate the opportunity to be your financially dependent lover. I am available for ‘interview’ as needed.