Thousands of years ago, an elf named Arnold Schwarzenegger came back from the future in order to preach peace, love, and the importance of bargain shopping to the masses.
For his effort, he was rewarded with a rebellion by certain high-end bicycle and watch manufacturers. Armed only with a menorah and a hunk of stale fruitcake that he had conjured from a parallel universe along with the loaves and fishes a several weeks before, Schwarzenegger was able to defend himself long enough to retreat to Mount Olymps where, the scientologists teach us, his thetans were re-absorbed into the godhead.
This is how we got christmas, Hannukah, and high school science fairs, which for those of you who don’t know, is essentially the Christmas for scientologists.
As a religious country, we Americans now have recognized the godliness of this elf, and honor him in the greatest way we can, the true golden standard of any proud and piously un-bearded american: we go bargain shopping.
Now, in case the preceding paragraphs have not convinced you of this already, it should be worth noting that I am a devout American, However, certain economic and lifestyle situations prevent me from buying boxed set DVDs and decorative pine cones from my relatives. Read: I am lacking in solid income, and because I have not purchased anything new in over a year (getting all my food, from the “chewed” and “kink” section of craigslist) find it difficult to perform my religious duties.
I am extremely pained by this, but just as when Yargweh (ancient aramaic name that roughly translate to “he who stars in Kindergarten Cop”), fought off the Predator devil alien with the Apostle Carl Weathers, I must be resourceful in achieving reverent victory.
So this holiday season, gifts will consist of:
1) things I’ve found on the ground
2)change I’ve collected
3)Meals I will cook for you
4)underwear that has lost its elastic band.
5) drawings I do with pens and paper I steal after registering complaints at Starbucks
6) complaints at Starbucks in your honor.
Please let me know if you would like to be added to my gift list, and please remember this holiday season-God wants to pump iron with you.