Like most wholesome, hell-fearing children of G-d and America, I spent my New Year’s eve in pious contemplation of what my New Year’s resolutions should be. To briefly list them, I have resolved to eat beans less than five times a week, shower more than three times a week, stop switching out my roommate’s New Yorkers with back issues of Teen Cosmo, and really dedicate myself to solving my drooling problem.
Fortunately for my foray into the ultimate self-reflexive adventure known as blogging, none of my various resolutions have me committed to working on my latent love of myself. In order to start the New Year’s off right, I shall borrow a game from my good frogger (friend+blogger), Randal, from RandalPutnamlovestopedal. Mr. P’s blogging game goes like this google image search yourself with safe search off, choose the ten most bizarre images, and then read them like tarot cards.
To be fair to him (lest we start a blogging feud, wherein we write entries dissing each other, each other’s mamas, and disparagingly questioning the other’s claims to the hard-knocked life), the bicycle obsessed frogger turned this game on himself out of a sense of fairness, having first played this game by googling “Jesus.”
I, however, play this game only because the mirror is too smudged from kissing my reflection to allow for long gazing sessions.
To save time, I will post the photos, and then at the bottom, an amalgamated reading of what these images mean about me, and my future.
1. “The armpit”-this photo tellingly explains my main problem with dating: I frequently find myself inexplicably drawn to the fascinating smell of my own armpit over the girl making kissy faces next to me
2. “God’s Heroes in America”-Whenever the next bald man in robes emphatically points me in a direction, I shall find great fortune if I brush of my golden epaulets, and head jauntily in that direction.
3. “The Ballerinas”-I must learn to express my inner multiple dainty dancing female selfs.
4. “The Wrestler”-If I truly believe in myself, and take massive amounts of steroids, too, can one day stand in tight pants and show the world my totally no-homo-erotic armpit-shaving technique.
5. “Indian class picture”-I am clearly adopted.
6. “Beard award for beardy excellence”-I am destined to one day win great admiration for my baronial mustaches, before being felled by a secret “Moby impersonator” habit.
7. “God: the Comic”-I will one day master the art of a dramatic entrance, greatly impressing evil dictators.
8. “Batman” I am Batman, one of the ones without the nipple-y suit.
9. “Nightbreed”-I choose my friends wisely. Not only do they “dance like no one is watching”, but they also “dress like no one realizes its not 1985 anymore”
10. “Jeff Dunham”-after winning great admiration for my armpit shaving technique, a Beard award, and leading a group of awesome 80’s mutants with my jean jacket and mullet look, my hubris could be my downfall, and I, too, will be left with only a christmas special and a bunch of racist puppets as friends.
Until then, though, its going to be a good year.