Human Cheese-Hope for a sustainable and gross future.

I wrote in my previous episode of the tragic tale of an upstanding young drug dealer who used her breastii as the “saddle bags” for her drug muling/selling operation, and botched a sale because she was unable to whip her “product” out from under her many layers fast enough for the demanding young gents.

This week, I shall write of a woman who, as this article demonstrates, has found a far more efficient use for her breasts than as a hiding spot for her weed: making cheese.

Published on the ever popular smugness-biblesite, the article gives me great hope as a community organizer who works within the “green” movement. Call me doomy and gloomy, but I firmly believe and worry that our way of life is going to drastically and tragically change unless we do something about climate change, and really re-order the way we are now living in a very fundamental way. And what more fundamental way than to start right at birth by taking breastmilk away from babies and making cheese with it?

The article begins with this extremely helpful flowchart:


Created by the NYU  grad student who is currently running this cheese making project, the flowchart is indicative of the super-green super-holistic goals of breast milk cheese in that it involves neither a starting point nor the sorts of directional arrows that would be needed in a less “intuitive” and “broken” system.  Everything flows naturally and in great harmony from weird yellow pills to the L train to the toilet, to a woman presumably drinking some of her own breast milk while simulateneously pumping more out, a closed circle within a closed circle.  

 The diagram helpfully also features the subway car, as it is on these subway cars is presumably where the overcrowded milking stations will be held once this human cheese industry inevitably goes corporate and begins to have the same ethical problems as other factory farms.

In addition, the subway car being featured twice highlights an underlying belief of food justice hipsters that all life begins and ends with the L train.  

When thrown some hard questions from a critical reporter as to what inspired her to start this project, the young breasty-cheese maker replied, “I love cheese”.  Listen, I cheese, too.  I also love Lance Armstrong, but I’m not about to go collect his sweat to make gourmet table salt.

The creator of this project, one Miriam Shuman, correctly points out that “this is the most local cheese possible” which is a valid point, much in the way that prisoners making toilet wine are the ultimate local and organic viticulturalists.  

Ms. Shuman says she uses this project as a jumping off point for a good discussion on food justice; when people are squeamish about eating the curdled breast milk of a woman they don’t know, she leaps from behind the pump station to shout “Aha! but you don’t know the cow either!”

Point, human cheese lady.  Sort of. I personally would prefer not to know the woman who produced the milk I was eating.  The last time I had milk out of someone’s breasts it was my own mother, and since that stopped (about 5 months ago) I still prefer not to dwell on the details of this method of nourishment.  I find that having a relationship with the woman who made me cheese, would only set up some weird “farmer-cow” role play that would emphasize old and exploitative gender stereotypes that I would prefer not to have cheese–or myself–involved in.

Of final note-human milk may not be totally fit for cheese-making, as she currently blends it with goat or cow milk (although, notably, not rat milk, another potential local source on the L train).  So instead of this being a case of “local cheese whose source you know” it becomes “non-local, non-organic cheese with a marbling of woman-milk”.  The potential benefits of purely human cheese are nullified, and it becomes simply a seasoning of weirdness.

Either human milk isn’t conducive for cheese-making, or Ms. Shuman has been unable to convince enough women on the L-train to give up their breast pump.  She is currently looking for more woman to “collaborate” with.

Any volunteers?


About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
This entry was posted in Food-local, vegetarian, recipes and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Human Cheese-Hope for a sustainable and gross future.

  1. Matt says:

    I have always wanted to do this. Served, of course, with fresh placenta pâté.

  2. cheezit says:

    Cheese puffs? Think of the snacking potential.

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