Destroying capitalism one McDonald’s at a time

One of the first things you learn as a minimalist is how to maximize the smugness factor in whatever things you purchase. There are essentially two underlying principles to upping your smugness factor-go local or go Euro. Go  Local-and by local I mean Brooklyn- for food, rat-fur scarves, or music.  Go euro for things like furniture (Ikea, Eames, tatami mats), scary-yet-compellingly weird dictators (Qaddafi, Berlusconi, Kim), and action stars (Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Bond).

Anything with an accent and an above average knowledge of geography is immediately cooler. Take, for example, being a dick, like this fine young hipster snot, whose self-satisfaction places him as a potential leader for the hipster-brit invasion, in which moptop haircuts have been replaced by ironic mullet tops.

He has set himself the admirable goal of getting himself hired and then fired from as many fast food restaurant jobs as he can. In a blog post entitled “Getting Myself McFired” (presumably because “My life as a firedick” was already taken as a blogifesto title) our champion proudly recounts his efforts to get himself fired from his job at McDonald’s.

Take note! He does this not for the sheer, anarchic glee of being an asshole, but rather because of a brave, principled stand he has taken against capitalism.  “Fuck capitalism.  Yeah–I said it.”  Indeed he did, and he should be proud, as he is certainly the first person to ever come out so eloquently against capitalism, much as he is the first person to devise the clever punning strategy of attaching “Mc” to words other than “Donald’s”.  This our “McMarx” does with great effect when he discusses his “getting McFired” strategy: “I went in, armed with an arsenal of annoying tics, lies about previous McWork experience and my new burger ‘The McNificent’.”

Of course, the best way to fight capitalist giants (and I agree that they should be fought) is not by going after the corporate nervous centers that control these huge companies with targeted, focused campaigns, but going “totally grassroots” and annoying the struggling, minimum wage workers kept in financial purgatory by the companies like McDonald’s. Only though making the proletariat’s lives more McDifficult, will we awaken their consciousness and inspire in them unity.

The most dangerous McDonald’s employee is obviously very sensitive to class consciousness.  Upon meeting his “shift supervisor and the assistant manager. [He] could tell immediately that they were two people who took their jobs far too seriously.” Their somber moods that this Marx so empathetically picks up on is clearly indicative of their part in the “capitalist machine” he plans to derail.  It has nothing to do with the fact that they  are being forced to suffer the idealistic condescension of people who can afford to take a few months off to go blog about getting hired, and then fired from jobs that they proudly hate and do not need.

After meeting his cog in the machine coworkers, he deploys his first bit of sabotage: talking “in a horrifically whiny, American screech to all the customers”.  Take that man! Because clearly America is capitalism’s kryptonite, its great weak spot as it endeavors to take over the world and enslave British bloggers.  Imitating accents will unite us in our coming war against the capitalist system that propels “the wealthy into positions of unimpeachable power, while the rest of are forced to fumble and grapple in the existential slop building jacuzzis for guys with pot bellies and cabriolets.”  “Existential slop?” Someone’s college creative writing professors was too nice to him.

The ultimate in capitalist excess-the "cabriolet"

Alas! This potbellied man (in the form of his female supervisor steps in)  steps in–a “blonde who looked like she’d spent years cracking away at life with a riding crop” to snap at him and ask him to do his job well.  In case you couldn’t tell from his fake American accent and his strident cries of “Fuck Capitalism”, our mcMarx is not one to back down.

This continues-arguing with his supervisors, stepping away from the cash register to teach other workers how to make the delicious “McNificent”, and just generally being snide.  At one point he stands up for his co-workers that are being harried by the assistant manager “squawking” “C’mon guys”.  He deems this “an inappropriate request to make of any human being, especially when all you’re really asking them to do is to top up some fat capitalist guy’s bank account faster. ”

His method of resistance to this particular point of insult? Also obnoxiously shouting “C’mon guys!”  Part of the working class consciousness, is, of course, a heightened sense of false irony.  Him shouting “c’mon guys” is a showing of solidarity that brilliantly mocks his riding crop dominatrix boss and thus the whole sado-masochist capitalist system or whatever.

In the end, he writes of his relief, or his “awakening” of being fired from his job (in 53 minutes!): ” The stairs down to the changing area seemed brighter and shorter than when I’d walked up them earlier in the day. A feeling of relief filled my body…”

Truly, he is a leader of the people, bravely walking out on the job that he is not compelled to keep, with workers he both pities and condescends having successfully done his part in halting the global capitalist machine that is McDonald’s at a single location….for less than an hour.

His reaction is an idiotic, knee-jerk response, like pissing on a pick up truck because you want to lower gas prices.  Be strategic, go join a campaign, go work as an organizer, don’t just be rude to Wal-mart employees and McDonald’s workers, the very people held in check by capitalism.

Let me put it this way: You can be like Jean Cluade Van Damme and immediately beat up anyone in your way with cocaine-fuelled reflexes, or you can take your time like the Terminator, and come up with a way of annhilation that also allows you to come up with a better pun (like impaling a guy on a steam pipe and saying “Let off some steam” in Commando) than putting “Mc” in front of every silly insult.

Something like that.  like, fuck capitalism, like.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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One Response to Destroying capitalism one McDonald’s at a time

  1. Pingback: Faking orgasms: a playlist for the neighbors | Big Adam's Blog

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