Paterson: bad governor, worse professor?

Ah, to be rich! As much as we beardy brooklynites deny it, saying we don’t need money, that’s something for the “white man” (meaning our dads), we all secretly desire to be rich. Some of us want to be rich so we can buy more studio time for a bands, get skinny jeans in all the colors of the rainbow, or fund our human milk operation. Overall, wealth equals power, power equals recognition. And we all just want to be famous, and loved.

One of the other benefits, apparently, is that famous is at some point just a function of momentum-being famous for being famous. Even if you were a backwards governor who managed a failed state, slashed the state budget drastically,and got himself mixed up in seedy scandals with his woman-beater aides, you can still land an unwarranted, job as a professor at a prestigious university

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah for higher education in the United States! That’s right, doctors and friends, former New York Governor, current-aspiring SNL cast member David Paterson, has triumphantly revealed that he will have a role at New York University. Apparently, the qualifications for teaching at New York University-highly esteemed for its ability to grossly overcharge students for a good education-are: having a three decade-old law degree (never used on account of failing the bar exam perhaps because of a lack of accommodations for the visually impaired), slowly moving one’s way up from lackluster, unimaginative state senator, to lackluster, unimaginative lieutenant governor, to woops! my boss had a thing for prostitutes and socks, lackluster, unimaginative governor.

Perhaps his greatest qualification for a role at NYU shaping young minds to be crappy politicians and even worse sketch comedy actors is his excellent (read: terrible) job managing the SUNY system: Using executive control, Paterson not only raised tuition for CUNY and SUNY schools, but essentially used that money as a fundraiser for the state, originally putting only 10% back into the SUNY budget. Deciding that that wasn’t enough of a punchline he–in true SNL fashion–took the joke even further into an unfunny place, and then slashed the SUNY. Raise tuition, keep tuition hike, slash budget punchline. Repeat because (like most SNL sketches) you lack the imagination to do anything else but  flog the one ufunny punchline you came up with until it is beyond dead.

Now, I think he has done the SUNY system a great service by not asking for a teaching position at one of the system’s 64 campuses, but it is also indicative of his complete lack of interest in equitable access to higher education. These far-sighted budget choices on the part of Professor Paterson forced Geneseo, a school he lovingly boasted about, to cut its Computer Science and reknowned Speech Pathology Department, and pushed SUNY Albany to phase out chunks of its foreign language program. Huzzah Huzzah.

Given how effectively and completely Paterson gutted the SUNY system, I think a much more appropriate position is for him to volunteer his time in a non-teaching position to help cover costs. Think of all the great student activities he could run! He could maybe volunteer to be the faculty sponsor for the improv group.

Besides, what classes would he teach-“Theory of Politics of Sketch Comedy-how being not funny and awkward is actually really clever”

“The Paradox of Leadership: how to accidentally become governor”

“Inequality in the United States: how to use your fame to crashland your political career into an exxagerratedly distinguished teaching career”.

Maybe after Cuomo gets through with the cuts Paterson started, SUNY can hire him on as a fundraiser for a newly-privatized SUNY system.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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