Gaddafi vs. Tampons vs. Doormen.

As we all learned during the sadomasochism unit of middle school sex-ed, whiplash is a very serious condition. As a concerned idiot with access to the internet, I worry that we may soon be suffering from societal whiplash, so quickly have we shifted our attentions from the civil war/massacre going on in Libya to the ongoing tragedy in Japan. This is not to say one is more deserving than the other.  It’s just that Japan is simpler to understand-a culture we like being wrecked by a natural disaster. For Libya, its harder. On the one side we have a dictator (who we have armed and funded), and on the other hand is a fractious ISLAMIC society that promises no predictable outcome.  Just like whiplash only becomes apparent a few days later, I fear that if we ignore Libya–willfully or not–we will only realize too late that yet another slaughter has happened while we stood idle.

However, bowing to public pressure from my readership, and the smelly guy reading this over my shoulder, I will switch from a heavy topic to a slightly sillier one: the slandering of the doorman.

A recent Daily Beast article invited damning parallels to be drawn between one Muammar Gaddafi–bedouin warrior, war-crimer–and professional doormen everywhere. As a doorman, I take great umbrage at this imperialist parallel, clearly this is the work of the western zionisty socialite whatchamacallits thing to destroy doormen’s hoozimacoolits, or whatever.

Allow me to note the differences.  Observe:

"Hey there, prostitutes...hey there." (Image: Getty Images, the Daily Beast)

First, doormen would never be allowed to wear sunglasses or waltz around with that much stubble, and in certain pictures, Gaddafi’s hair is CLEARLY touching his collar, a professional affront to doormen everywhere.

See also:

In this photo, the Daily Beastie seems to have gotten "doorman" and "extra in a Nazi movie" confused (Image: Getty Images; AP photo, the Daily Beast)

And what?

How is this even a good compare and contrast. Two entirely different photos. And how do we know its not him under that gas mask? (Image: Corbis; AP Photo, the Daily Beast)

A gas mask is not part of the standard uniform.

Finally, can I get a job at this place?

Meet Rahul, King of Doormania. (Image: Getty Images, the Daily Beast)

It is considered a great doorman honor to have just one tenth of the mustache and medal configuration that he has.

The Guardian had a similarly excellent piece asking people to guess if a given quote was Charlie Sheen or Col. Gaddafi. Is this the best we can do in terms of journalistic coverage of a murderous, terrorist-abetting dictator who has intricate oil-based ties with many western corporations and governments?

Next Up, a taste test: “Pepsi or Gaddafi”, or perhaps which can soak up more weird blue water, a maxi-pad or Col. Gaddafi’s hair.

Mad photoshop skillz

I hope this gets into your nightmares.


About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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