I baaaaack!

Like the Terminator in the present tense, I am back. Unlike the terminator, I did not return naked, or Austrian. I am still a good old clothed Americano coffee. I could tell you that I took a month off because of my role in helping bring corporations and New Yorkers together at Grand Central and Times Square to celebrate Earth Day and provide the resident lechers in the area a higher than average number of overly nice and underly jaded girls who believe talking to these man while the try to “get their lech on” is the ultimate social justice. I could tell you that I helped Earth Day, and that corporations got green, greenies got corporate, old men flirted with young girls, and young girls got made uncomfortable. Everyone was “self-satisfied” in ways both physical and spiritual, and always green.

I could tell you that.

Or I could tell you the truth, which is that my progressively androgynous educational hydro-electronica band, “Genital Binary” had a hit single, which was an epic rap called Fitta-Dennis, in which a superhumanly strong Dennis Kucinich was sent back in time to teach militant socialism to the trees and pierce the ear of every male over the age of 13 in order to destroy negative gender dynamics. And so I packed up my electric triangle, got Bobo the monkey anarchist (not to be confused with the former drummer, Louska, the self-appointed monkey-christ) into his solar-powered time machine and headed off for what we thought would be a whirlwind tour of progressive musical festivals where young folk ingest copious amounts of drugs in the name of changing the world.

As we later discovered, the song was only big in Scandinavia because Fitta, as Honda realized, is Scandinavian for a lady’s sin portal, and owing to a Scandinavian love for “short American anti-war politician porn”, “Fitta-Dennis” had leapt up the “.xxx” rankings. Honda recently had similar issues with this, when they released their “tight” car, the Fitta (shortened to the fit)

Official-and now cancelled-slogan: Honda Fitta is small on the outside, but great when you come in". I think I will suggest "Finally, a car with teeth," or the vaguely oedipal "Not your grandmother's fitta."

Saddened, Bobo and I packed back into his solar-powered time machine and came back to the present day in America. As often happens with time machines piloted by apes, we came up a month short and had to live April all over again. We used this time wisely, licking our wounds and trying to pick up women in bars by telling them that we wrote a blog, which is pretty much what we did before we “hit it big” on the back of the kinky monster that is Scandinavias online pornography industry.

So, long story short, I am back. There will be some changes to this blog, its role, its ability to help me bore women in bars, etc. Maybe you will notice maybe you will not.

See you all soon in the Thunderdome.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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2 Responses to I baaaaack!

  1. I enjoyed this for so many reasons, not the least of which is I am now tempted to buy a second Fit despite the certainly worse gas mileage. I read a lot of car mags and Honda has my email as a registered owner. How did you scoop me on that?

    • big Adam says:

      I have a feeling they weren’t overly eager to advertise that…although it certainly would have helped sales in the adolescent male bracket

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