Lady Gaga the next Bin Laden?

Probably the only thing I enjoyed about the assassination of Osama Bin Laden was the fact that it briefly turned every news source into the worst episode of “Cribs” I have ever seen. Million dollar compound! Eleven foot high walls! Right near a golf course! Personal beard groomers! Even the BBC, the morbid old Aunt of the online news world, could not help but offer diagrams of the Bin Laden crib.

Unfortunately, Bin Laden’s death did not magically take us out of the two wars that we are in, nor alter the greater reality of the post- 9/11 world. So the question becomes, who will becomes America’s next boogeyman? After all, we do need one, as we don’t just discriminate for the sake of discrimination. Er, we do, but at the very least we want some justification, however paltry. This is America after all.

This blogger humbly submits Lady Gaga as our next super villain (her bra-ological mother, Madonna, even had a role in a recent James Bond film, a franchise with remarkable influence over American views on geopolitics).

As evidence of her obvious plans to destroy America, which is more than can be said of many paranoid theories on the news, her song “Born This Way”. In the song, Lady Gaga (soon to be, I suspect Lady Admiral Gaga of the Monster Empire), gets all thesaurused out with the lyrics, looking up “frequently oppressed communities” and writing, “No matter gay, straight or bi/Lesbian transgendered life/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born to survive/No matter black, white or beige/chola or orient made/I’m on the right track, baby/I was born to be brave”

The song has been criticized by some in the LGBTQ community for using the term “transgendered” instead of “transgender”, because “transgendered” implies that it is not an identity, but rather a “state” or a “phase” (although it is not entirely clear in the lyrics if she says the former vs. the latter). Nonetheless, it is a valid, but certainly rather semantic argument. It is also grammatically problematic, but as long as we are making political statements by assigning tenses to pronouns, I pronounce myself sexualra, a future tense I just made up to justify my weird crush on the hot robots from Battlestar Galactica.

I believe at the root of the criticism is the lack of comfort with Insurgent Gaga so obviously pandering to the LGBTQ community. It seems that she is not so much interested in being a popular ally to oppressed communities, but rather their leader, painstakingly naming these communities (and bizarrely reclaiming the offensive term “chola”) in her song. She is not supporting their cause but actively courting herself as their popular leader, their most important voice, telling these communities how to be, and naming as many as she possibly can.

Note that she calls on them to be brave!

Old Skool Al-Qaeda mixtape this is not! Slick production, lyrics, pointy cone bras and an extensive vocabulary, but the call to arms is similar–Fox News must be weak in the knees thinking about the Queer Army Gaga seeks to bring forward–assaulting all American Family values, dominating record sales, and I shudder to even say it, bring about equal rights and safe spaces for all!

Indeed, our most dangerous threat to our dear, discriminating way of life is right at home.


About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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