Bloomberg beats Clinton, celebrates with stupid decision

Our great progresso-capitalist may of New York has yet another victory under his belt. According to our favorite pay-walled news site, The Nueva York Times, Majorie Bloomberg recently muscled one democratic president from the 90’s out of the leadership of a key climate-change initiative. In what could have only been one of the greatest political dance fights of the age, with dancing saxohones on the one side and Bloombergs breakdancing “skillz” on the other, Clinton was defeated. In reality, it probably had more to do with who could offer more money but that’s boring.

Clinton was gracious in defeat, honoring the other statesman greater ability to make it rain.  Bloomberg for his part put out a music video that featured babes dancing on his bald spot and him slam dunking planet earth, shattering the solar-panel back board Shaq-style (may he rest in peace).

While I unfortunately missed  out on all the “Osama bin Laden is dead and now everything is great and perfect again” parties, I sure as hell wasn’t going to miss out on this Bloomberg party.  Out into the streets I went with my underpants-mounted firework system and Bobo the chimp carrying a huge boombox.  Unfortunately, the neighborhood was not in a celebratory mood.  After a night in jail, I came back to discover that my new found hero had some problems.

Despite his support of climate initiatives, I found that his plaNYC, includes the proposed SPectra Natural Gas pipeline, which would run from the Southern Tier of New York, through New Jersey and into New York state, connecting New York city to the proposed hydraulic-fracturing sites in the Marcellus shale.  At first I thought this was part of some not-so-secret plan to destroy New Jersey, as these pipelines have a tendency to blow up and/or leak. In fact, last December, Bloomberg’s own news company reported a leak in a Spectra natural gas line.

Alas, this was not the case, and Bloomberg does honestly believe that natural gas (gotten in part from hydraulic fracturing) will help reduce NYC’s carbon footprint.  Cornell University recently merked (as we said in high school) this argument with a study showing that hydraulic fracturing taken in its entirety is not, in fact, a cleaner way to get energy.

Even so, with hydraulic fracturing taking place in NYC’s watershed, it becomes a weird game of “do we get the benefits of a dubiously cleaner energy source vs. the drinking water of millions of people poisoned first,” which is the worst version of “Pooh Sticks” imaginable.  Poohsticks.

I’m no Christopher Robin, but I’m willing to bet on the poisoned water winning out.

For those of you who believe that Poohsticks s a tradition that should only take place between a man-stick and a lady-stick, I heartily recommend this letter writing campaign.  Like most letters, all you have to do is put your name at the bottom

Also, on the 25th of June there will be many people all over NYS getting together to yell really loudly and show off their political arts and crafts prowess-find a shouting match near you here: http://gasmain.org/weblog/?p=1

Also, if anyone wants to play Poohsticks, I am currently in training for the Brooklyn comp., an endurance event to be played in the Gowanus canal.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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