Anthony Weiner’s Other, More Modest, Proposal

Aside from excellent dick pic tecnique, I think Anthony “Tweeiner” Weiner should be lauded for his proposed revolution in politics.  Like Penicillin and “Dark Side of the Rainbow“, Weiner’s invention seems to have happened wholly by accident: Mr. Weiner brilliantly chose a crime that fit his last name, and that, I believe, is an impressive precedent that should be followed:

All politicians caught in any sexual or criminal scandal should be compelled to change their names to something reflecting that scandal.

Similar campaigns have been attempted: After Rick Santorum charmingly equated homosexuality with bestiality, Dan Savage used his popular advice column to help redefine and publicize the name Santorum as “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

I’m not one for social-engineering, but I think the threat of this “Scarlet name” would perhaps make politicians like Weiner think twice about risking their work for the sake of a tepid online sexual conversation.  The biggest tragedy is not that the world has now seen Weiner’s junk, but that the man was actually doing some good, important work, that is now threatened.  This includes the push to uncover conflicts of interest (Clarence Thomas, cough cough) amongst members of the Supreme  Court.  Weiner’s ego and love of digital photography got in the way of him using some damn common sense, so the last name trick would be one more threat to make these politicians–who seem to believe they are above the law–to at least think about the one thing they do care about: their ego.

Now, unless you count President Bush’s backwards environmental policies, he never did anything outwardly aggressive towards shrubbery. Perhaps change his name to George “Katrina” Bush.

Larry Craig could get the porn name “Larry Widestance,” known for his smooth baldspot, and well, his wide stance.

Liberal Barney Frank and conservative David Vitter could change their names to “Escortseo.”  Added bonus: I’m sure the two–on different sides of the aisle–would love to spend the rest of their political careers correcting excited tourists that they are not related, nor is Italian P.M. Silvio Berluschorny their father.

Perhaps we could come up with one for Tom Ridge after this interview on hydraulic fracturing with Stephen Colbert?

Winner gets a nickname of their own.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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One Response to Anthony Weiner’s Other, More Modest, Proposal

  1. I will open the bideting with Tom Fudge, but I sincerely hope your readers can come up with something better.

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