As someone who has worked six jobs in the past year, I am beginning to consider myself something of an expert on the employment process. In the spirit of this blog being a useful guide to life, I’m about to lay some employment knowledge on you, dear reader. Below is my cover letter to be a freelance writer for “Man Cave Daily,” a “news” blog dedicated to all things manly.
I haven’t heard back yet, but presumably because they can’t get more than three setences in without being overwhelmed with feelings of awe:
To Whom it May Concern:
I am writing in response to your ad on ED2010.com looking for a freelance writer for the Man Cave Daily. I am very interested in freelancing, and believe that my residual testosterone levels would make me an excellent fit. But I must level with you, who may be concerned. I was raised as—and continue to be—a vegetarian.
I could explain, but that would require me to sound like I was weakly blaming my parents for this embarrassing lifestyle choice. What I will do is explain how my dietetic wussery has made me unquantifiably qualified to write from the unique perspective of someone possessing a y chromosome.
Being raised Vegetarian set off a series of chain reactions in my life that deviated from the “manly,” and by the time my friends and I hit puberty, I could no longer ignore my difference. While friends were experimenting with facial hair, I was shaving my legs for bicycle races and donning short shorts for track meets. I taught myself to slow dance before practicing taking off bras, and I learned my Spanish not from “Nacho Libre,” but from the Spanish version of Shakira’s “Whenever, wherever.”
My dudesness became studied. I learned to quote the Big Lebowski better than anyone, and had the most theories on Why Girls Are Prudes this side of the gender gap. In college, I learned a valuable lesson: if it gets published somewhere, people believe it. If need be, I could always assert my manliness in print.
Having gained confidence in my own masculinity through a series of encounters with beer, babes, and Barry Manilow B-sides (trust me), I embarked on a multi-year project to discover which political issue attracted the loveliest women (animal rights first, anything to do with Brazil second). I worked first for the Energy Action Coalition in D.C., researching and publishing a handbook on state networks and helping to run and train the national media team. More recently, I worked as the Education and Outreach coordinator for Earth Day New York, running the twitter accounts, and responsible for various newsletters and articles that went out a large listserv.
I currently run a semi-successful blog, which by my estimation is the third manliest form of writing, next to war reporters and that guy from that movie who had to tattoo everything he wanted to remember on his body.
My conscious study of “dudeness,” coupled with my belief that publishing things on the internet is a good way to make them true makes me an ideally hairy-chested candidate for this position.