Story a day, Day 17: Selling Alibis

A story a day for 30 days: Today’s prompt sponsored by “the alibi network” which will provide you with an alibi if you’re willing to pay: http://www.alibinetwork.com/index.jsp

Listen It doesn’t really matter what you did, unless it is murder. If you want my help, don’t tell me you killed someone.  Make it up, an alibi for an alibi.  I’m here to help–I’m your best friend, your enabler, I’ve got your back and a hundred different ways to keep it got.

I’m a professional alibi serviceman.  I sell lies to fix your lies, but you’re going to have to trust me.  I don’t care if you slept late, if you just don’t feel like going in, if you’re cheating, if you had to take a quick trip, or skip one meeting to go to another.  You’re desperate, and you need a friend.  Which is, by the way, one of the services: we provide, a buddy. The basic premise is simple: you pay, we give you a phone number, we get our stories straight. Then you give the number to your boss, your girlfriend, your mom and suddenly I’m your Doctor, your  friend Steve, a business reference or a former landlord.

How much can you count on your real friends?  Sure, some of them’ll lie for you to your girlfriend, but they’ll give you their opinions, too: telling you about how you shouldn’t lie to your girl, how you should just go ahead and grow a pair.  I doubt many of them would impersonate an employer or someone else.  They think its beneath them, and again, they’ll judge you, telling you that you should just learn to face your problems or you should never have made that mistake.  I bet none of them would spend their day booking fake airplane tickets and hotel reservations for you, and maybe the one or two that do won’t have the money or the know-how to do it convincingly.  And they’ll probably tell you not to ask them to do it again.

That’s not my game.  They are your friends, I’m a professional, and as a professional I can be way more effective. I’m not going to judge you.  Anybody with half a brain and more than two decades has made their fair share of mistakes, and sure you can always learn from your mistakes, but there is always another mistake to be made waiting around the corner.  Also, these situations can be sticky.  Say you’re cheating on your wife.  Who is going to cover for you?  Your mutual friends? Someone who knows her, maybe likes hre more than you, might let something slip. Once I help you out and you’re happy, you never hear from me again.  Unless of course you need me.

This is my job.  Which means I’ll spend all day every day making sure your story is airtight. I’m not going to complain hat you are wasting my time, or that you should just be up front about it.  I’m here to help, and I’ll route phone calls to anywhere in the world you need, create fake email accounts for you.  Said you went to Paris on a business trip and stayed in such and such hotel?  I’ve got the plane tickets and hotel reservations right here for you. Need ticket stubs for that Jazz show you promised you’d go to while you were there? Got ’em. Or how about receipts from Paris ATMs to just casually leave in a pocket? What bank do you use? I’m not sitting around all day faking doctor’s notes and parent’s signatures for kids to get out of gym class, though if you need it, I can do that, too. I know what I’m doing, and I’m not going to cut corners.  Every little detail is covered.

People get themselves into all sorts of trouble. Usually its your own fault, but in my experience, the only people who say you deserve losing the jobs, friends, children over it are the people who are eager to see them fail.  You can say that I’m a dishonest liar preying on people too immature to take responsibility for their actions, but people who think they’re never going to need help out of a jam are just lying to themselves.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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