Story a Day, Day 18: You Can’t Choose Your Daughters, But You can Choose Your Son-in-Law

Story from today’s Story a Day project prompted by this article on the Japanese practice of adopting adult sons.

From: X

To: Y

Subject: Return Policy?

Hello,

I am seeking to inquire as to your “return” policy for adoptions.  I know this is not really a regular occurrence, but your agency made certain claims about the potential of the son (Abel S., 28 years old) in terms of managing a business, making sound investments, offering appropriate respect to both wife and in-laws.

Could you put me in contact with the right person?

Sincerely,

X

 

From: Y

To: X

Subject: Re: Return Policy?

Hello X,

We do not have a return policy–it is in the interest of these adult children that they not be switched more than once.  It is a traumatic experience for all, and for them to have to go through it twice and return to a world with little opportunity or social network is not something that we encourage.

If you would like, we could recommend a counselor to help ease the transition.

Let me know if we can help.

Y

From: X

To: Y

Subject: Re: Re: Return Policy?

Hello Y,

I understand that this is standard operating procedure, but I would like to emphasize that this is not a normal situation.  Despite his extensive resume, Abel has taken to doodling lewd pictures on company white boards, and when confronted about it, explained that his real interest, was not business, but art.  We did not want to discourage him creatively, as we are a company that likes to honor creative development, but suggested that he seek a way to find an outlet that would help the company.  He responded with an hour and a half presentation on what constitutes a good lewd cartoon, with many shocking images featuring copyrighted animated characters, and then presented an investment portfolio of his preferred pornographic sites. This was not only shocking, but created problems with him viewing pornography on his office computer and claiming it as work.

This behavior is egregious.  Have there been any special cases of a reversal of the adoption process?

Thank you for your consideration.

From: Y

To: X

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Return Policy?

Hi X,

Unfortunately, there is really nothing we can do.  Many males do  look at pornography, and if you think about it, his great interest in pornography is practically proof of it being a good investment.  There is little to be done to prevent him, and unfortunately, since you adopted him six months ago, his online activities really are not the responsibility of our agency.

I did, however, check in with the individual in charge of relocation services, and she assured me reversal is a rare occurrence, and only happen in the case of extreme need on behalf of both parties.

Sorry we cannot help.

From: X

To: Y

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Return Policy?

Y,

I would argue that this is an extreme case.  In addition to his questionable business instincts, Abel has declared himself a raw foodist.  He expensed a $3,000 juicer and is constantly lecturing family members about how humans are the only ones who drink the milk of another animal, how cooking our food is unnatural and contributing to our moral decay, etc.  He insists on doing this at business dinners as well, and will practically throw a fit if they do not have free range oranges or what have you.

He has furthermore refused to sleep with my daughter until the entire family renounces meat, saying that he will not be responsible for bringing another meat eater into the world.  We adopted him from you to procreate with our daughter and maintain the business, he fulfills none of these responsibilities.

Due to your refusal to help, we will be forced to issue a divorce, and will receive no return on our investment, in addition, we will have lost a vital six months on our eldest daughter’s already ticking biological clock.

This is the last time we will work with your agency.

From: Y

To: X

Subject: Job Application

X,

Unfortunately, because of your inability to work things out with your adoptive son, you will find it rather difficult to find another adoptive agency willing to take you.  There are only three agencies that deal with adult men, and all three have policies that are extremely protective of their children.

However, I see from your website that you have already been accepting applications to be the next heir to your company.  I will humbly submit a resume for your review, but would like to highlight my fertility in already having impregnated a number of women.  In addition, it should be noted that our discussion here, while perhaps being frustrating to you, also is a fine demonstration to my company loyalty and my calm ability to uphold company policies.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Cain.

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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