Story a Day, Day 21: Alcohol Warning

Warning: “After dissolving the brick in a gallon of water, do not place the liquid in a jug away in the cupboard for twenty days, because then it would turn into wine.–Warning attached to “grape concentrate” blocks sold during prohibition under fiction that they were fruit juice.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibition_in_the_United_States#Winemaking_during_Prohibition

(1) According to the Surgeon general, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems. -Surgeon General’s Warning

In addition, many studies have found that alcohol may cause vomiting. Recent data indicates that there is an increased risk of inappropriate dancing including (1) pelvic thrusts and (2) attempts at the back glide, colloquially known as the “moonwalk”.  In extreme cases of alcohol consumption, caucasian males have been reported to engage in singing Jennifer Lopez songs and clapping arrhytmically.  Alcohol does NOT enhance a sense of rhythm or general coordination.

Alcohol also increases the risks of making inappropriate attempts at humor, including jokes that are (1) sexist (2) racist and (3) concerning individuals just behind you.  Because of its affect on the nervous system, there is reason to believe that alcohol impairs individual’s ability to speak quietly, and is related to a general lack of discretion on the whole.

It is not recommended that one attend family functions, religious services, or first dates  under the influence.  Doing any of the above three may result in severe bodily harm and the vengeful wrath of a divine being, a date, or an elderly Aunt Kate who smells like onions and you once saw naked.

Imbibing alcohol while in the presence of the opposite sex often results in (1) increased and inappropriate visual focus on the erogenous zones and (2) increased and conflicting emotions related to attraction, self-loathing, and an impending sense of one’s fleeting youth in the face of certain spiritual and physical impotence and inevitable, meaningless death.

Recent experiments conducted by independent researchers have shown that such emotions make one highly susceptible to the sexual advances of chain-smoking women named Janice, who take one back to their apartment smelling faintly of kitty litter, and proceed to tell one about the various ways in which they are under-appreciated and superior to their co-workers and then fall asleep during sex only to keep one awake with a veritable concert of bodily noises.

Furthermore, it has been shown that such experiences may lead individuals to drink more, creating a dangerous and addicting cycle where in increased alcohol consumption leads to situations such as (1) the aforementioned sexual advances and (2) crying inconsolably while one calls, in alphabetical order, all of one’s ex-girlfriends, begging them for just one more night to “really say goodbye” and suggesting an attempt to revive the old relationships, regardless if one called her a “heartless bitch” to her mom and grandmother at Thanksgiving two years ago. These situations, research suggest, lead individuals to drink more, thereby putting them at greater risk of more situations that cause them to drink more.  This link has been shown by independent researchers to be especially strong in cases in which individuals swear they will ignore calls from women named Janice, but then often find themselves back in her fetid bedroom, and even in the morning offering to unplug the drain clogged with her hair and misery, and politely eating burnt eggs served on a dusty plate.  As alcohol addiction grows this research suggests, so too does one susceptibility to spending night’s in apartments such as these, shivering on the edge of the bed in search of a scant 30 seconds of love and a sense of being needed.

In cases such as these, alcohol may also indirectly lead to unwanted pregnancies, which may–even if alcohol consumption is ceased immediately–produce symptoms that last 18 years.

 

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About Big Adam

A NYC doorman, a community organizer, wannabe ape, sometimes blogger, sometimes writer, always crossword puzzle incompleter, I will ride bicycles with your papa, dance Bhangra with your mama, take you on dates that cost nada.
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One Response to Story a Day, Day 21: Alcohol Warning

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    OH MY FRIGGIN GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS!

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