The walls in my apartment building are exceedingly thin, which means I am doubly-blessed by having neighbors that both keep me up at night with their drunk-ass yelling and wake me up early in the morning with the sound of their orgasms.
Ever hear a male orgasm? There’s a reason it shouldn’t be heard. It sounds like sasquatch with a sore throat and a finger in the light socket. This is my alarm clock.
One neighbor makes a regular habit of getting too high and then shouting “I am God! I. AM. GOOOOODDD! EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING STUPID. SMOKE WEEEEEEEEEED!” This is then repeated more times than the chorus in a soulja boy song.
I finally had to speak to my other neighbor, “Red” after she insisted — and this is not a metaphor — on showing her friends her pterodactyl impression at 2:30 in the morning.
I end my gripe by saying this: Voice lessons are a baller way to take my sweet, sweet revenge. For all those orgasms and assertions about being god, I now shout back “mmeeeeeeeee, maaaaaaaaaaaa, mooooo, muuuu.”
Last night my roommate, who has been helping with the lessons, and I got distracted enough that our singing of vowels devolved into competing Michael Caine impressions and singing the things we saw the names of: “Vaaaseline! Chips, Chips! That mouse in the corner trying to cover its eaaaars,” we sang.
This is all fun and good, but I want to up my game, drunk on the counter-productive power of pissing off the people who live semi-permanently one shitty wall away. It has been recommended that I use one standard text to practice a monologue. This way I can easily measure my progress.
Using the immense (meager) powers of my mind (google), I came up with some options, by googling “dirtiest monologue.” Word of warning: Do not google image search this at home.
One is George Carlin’s famous Seven Dirty Words monologue. Interestingly, I found a word for word transcript of this monologue that was apparently featured in the Supreme Court FCC vs. Pacifica Foundation case on censorship and decency.
For the out-of-context angle, I found Vin Diesel’s short but profoundly beautiful monologue from the Fast and the Furious
And finally, just see if I can compete My-neighbor-who-would-be-god, this monologue from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Thoughts? Any better suggestions? I will choose today, announce tomorrow.